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<title>finding your balance by thestarsaretalking (orphan_account)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27652918">finding your balance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thestarsaretalking'>thestarsaretalking (orphan_account)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Space Force (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesia, Angst, M/M, i think i cried writing one of these scenes but i cant really remember</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:49:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27652918</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thestarsaretalking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chan loses his memories and forgets that he fell in love with Tony, and Tony struggles to make the best out of the situation.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Angela Ali &amp; F. Tony Scarapiducci, Chan Kaifang/F. Tony Scarapiducci</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>finding your balance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i literally forgot that i wrote an amnesia fic but this fic has been sitting in my archives for a while so i hope you enjoy reading it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Here’s how that day should have happened: Tony should’ve finished sitting through the entire boring meeting in a boring office building with Mallory and Naird before he drove home and spent the evening cuddling with Chan until they both fell asleep on the couch as the TV show they were watching together played in the background. Instead, Tony barely sat through ten minutes of the boring meeting, which seemed like a blessing at first. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just as one of the people started presenting the quarterly spending report, Tony’s phone started vibrating as he received a call. Everybody stared at him when Tony took his phone out of his pocket to see that Angela was calling him. In all honesty, Tony would’ve ignored her call if he wasn’t in a meeting, but he used her call as an excuse to mouth ‘sorry’ to the presenters before sneaking out of the meeting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Gleefully picking up the call, Tony, who was thankful for the escape from being bored out of his mind, asked, “Ali! What’s up?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tony, you need to come to the hospital. Now.” Tony’s smile slipped off his face when he heard Angela’s serious tone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There was an explosion in the lab, and Chan’s in the emergency room right now. So, no, everything is not okay,” Angela replied, her voice strained as she tried to keep the obvious panic out of her voice. She sighed and quickly apologized, “I’m sorry for snapping. Please just come to the hospital.” </span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck. Okay, I’m on my way.” Tony hung up and made a gesture to Naird, who had been staring at him through the glass walls of the meeting room, to let him know he needed to head off. Naird scrunched his nose, obviously pissed that Tony was abandoning him, but Naird’s feelings were the last thing Tony needed to care about at that moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony pushed past the people in the office building as he ran to his car, determined to get to the hospital as soon as he could. As he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, Tony thought to himself </span>
  <em>
    <span>How the fuck is it that the one day I’m not on the base, there’s an explosion? What type of twisted bullshit is this? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was pretty sure he almost ran three red lights (it was Wild Horse, who cared?) on his way to the hospital, but he was so set on getting to the hospital that getting a ticket was the least of his worries. When he got to the hospital, Tony sprinted to the waiting room in the emergency ward, which was right near the entrance of the hospital, and demanded, “Where is he?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tony, you can’t go in. They’re taking care of him right now,” Angela reassured as she stood up from her seat and held Tony, who was rushing towards the doors of the emergency room, back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need to see him. Angela, I need to get to him,” Tony protested as Angela enveloped him with both of her arms to prevent him from bolting forward. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tony! We can’t. We have to wait.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony stopped struggling in Angela’s arm, crumpling when he realized that he couldn’t get to Chan, and allowed her to guide him over to the waiting area. His breath caught in his throat as he sat down and ran his fingers through his hair, trying not to panic. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His leg bounced up and down, and Tony blinked back tears as he imagined how much pain Chan was in and how he had to endure it alone. There was nothing Tony wanted more than to be at Chan’s side to support him, but he stared at the doors that led further into the emergency ward and waited for a doctor to walk out and tell him that he could see his boyfriend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hours passed and the clouds in the vibrant afternoon sky were replaced by the twinkling stars of the dark night sky. Tony found that each minute seemed to drag on longer than the last and tried to distract himself by going on his phone. Angela waited patiently with him and glanced over at him a few times to make sure he was somewhat doing okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finally, a doctor walked into the waiting room and called, “Is there anybody here for Kaifang Chan?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Standing up quickly, Tony rushed over to the doctor. “Hi, I’m his boyfriend. Can I go see him? Where is he?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could feel Angela’s eyes on him and he could tell that everybody in the waiting room was also staring at him. The doctor lowered his voice and informed, “You can go see him, but I need to let you know that, unfortunately, Mr. Chan suffered a blow during the explosion and he’s suffering from retrograde amnesia.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, so you’re saying that he doesn’t remember anything?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doctor sighed and clutched his clipboard a little tighter. “Not exactly. His episodic memory has been damaged so all his memories related to his experiences are gone but his procedural and semantic memory should be intact. We’re hoping that letting familiar people see him first can help him get his memories back.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, that makes sense,” Tony took a shaky breath, trying to mentally prepare himself for the worst. His heart felt like it was falling apart but he held himself together, reminding himself that there was much more at stake than just his feelings. “Can I go see him now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Follow me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doctor pushed open the doors and led Tony to the room where Chan was lying on a hospital bed, hooked up to machines with monitors and tubes. Seeing Chan in such a weak state made Tony tear up a little, but, ultimately, he was grateful that he had survived. </span>
  <span></span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Hurrying over to Chan’s side, Tony carefully placed a hand on Chan’s shoulder and almost broke down as he gushed, “Holy shit! Chan, you’re okay. Fuck, I was so worried about you. I was waiting outside for hours with Angela and I was so worried and I-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Um, who are you?” Chan looked up at Tony with wide, confused eyes and Tony backed away. He could hear his heart collapsing as he took in Chan’s perplexed expression and realized that Chan had truly lost his memories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m Tony, Tony Scarapiducci. Your boyfriend. Um, we work at Space Force together. You… don’t remember me?” Tony gulped, silently attempting to hold back his tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan stared blankly at him and shook his head slowly. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know who you are.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, that’s okay. The doctors said you lost your memories in the explosion, so, uh, I guess that makes sense. I just thought you might remember me because we live together and we spend a lot of time together and-” Tony’s breath caught in his throat and he had to gulp down the sorrow clogging his throat. When he found his voice again, he spoke softly. “I just thought you wouldn’t forget about me.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry. I don’t remember you,” Chan apologized, glancing down at his hands. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A heavy silence fell between the two. Tony took a seat down on an empty chair that was a few feet away from Chan and he resisted the urge to drop his head into his hands and sob. Chan seemed to feel guilty that he didn’t remember Tony, but he didn’t vocalize his emotions, choosing to, instead, let the silence drown them both. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was interrupted by a doctor knocking on the door. She gently stated, “Mr. Scarapiducci, Kaifang’s parents are here to see him. Would you mind leaving the room?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Tony complied, and as the doctor led him down the hall, he asked, “So, will he be staying here until he remembers everything?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, but he’ll be here for a few days so our doctors can help him adjust to his life. He might not get his memories back, so we can’t promise we’ll take care of him until he remembers everything. But we’ll make sure he’s doing okay before we let him go. He lives with you, right?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony bit down on his lip so he could focus on something other than the fact that he wanted to burst into tears right then and there “Mhm.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, we'll make sure to contact you when he’ll be released. In the meantime, you can come and visit him during visiting hours. Thank you for your time.” With that, the doctor opened the door and allowed Tony to walk into the waiting room. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Angela was already standing, anticipating Tony’s arrival. She had a look of pity on her face, and the moment Tony saw her, he completely crumpled. When Tony broke down sobbing, Angela hugged him and let him weep into her shoulder. They both stood in the waiting room, mourning their loss even though they wished they could celebrate thanking the universe for letting them keep Chan in their lives, even if he might’ve never been the same again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The days following Chan losing his memory were the hardest because Tony had to spend them alone. He wasn’t used to waking up in an empty bed because Chan used to wrap his arms snugly around Tony’s waist every morning. He wasn’t used to making breakfast because Chan used to cook breakfast for him every morning. He wasn’t used to driving to work alone because Chan used to talk about his favorite manga when they carpooled to work together every morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony truly felt alone when he was finishing some work on his computer and saw a picture on his computer desktop. He clicked on the photo to see it more clearly and saw that it was a photo of him and Chan together during winter. Chan was wearing a green scarf, and he had the biggest smile on his face as he looked up at the snow falling from the sky. Tony wore a beanie, and he was too occupied with looking at how radiant Chan was to pay attention to the snow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing that photo drove Tony over the edge once again, and he began crying in his office, overwhelmed by how much he missed his boyfriend. He didn’t want to think about how that photo was taken during one of the best days of his life and how Chan didn’t even remember that that day happened. He felt like his life was thrown off balance, and he didn’t know if he could return his life to the way it used to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He visited Chan in the hospital after work every day, and each time felt more painful than the last. Tony would spend hours talking to Chan about what working at Space Force was like. He dropped hints about how Chan’s life was intertwined with his, but he was terrified of scaring Chan with the intensity of their relationship. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once, when Tony was visiting Chan and sharing pictures of Chan’s plants in the Space Force lab, Chan asked, “Tony, I enjoy your company, but you seem to spend a lot of time with me. Don’t you have other family and friends around here?” </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Tony wanted to instinctively respond with </span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re my family </span>
  </em>
  <span>but he chose to shrug and respond, “Yeah, but I like spending time with you.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a week, Chan was finally released from the hospital, and Tony took him home. On the way home, Chan was mostly silent, spending most of his time staring out the window at the buildings they drove past that were growing darker as night began to settle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony clutched onto hope that bringing Chan home would help bring his memories back, but when Tony opened the door, turned on the lights, and let Chan walk inside their apartment, his heart broke when he saw his boyfriend glancing around the apartment without recognition in his eyes. Nevertheless, Tony put on a brave smile. “Welcome home.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan slowly walked around the living room and picked up a framed photo of him and Tony that was placed on a shelf. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is this us?” Chan carefully held the photo in his hands. Tony realized the photo was of him and Chan from their trip to Yellowstone together and smiled softly, remembering the moment it was taken. He nodded and Chan looked back down at the photo. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Angela had snapped a photo when Tony was hugging Chan as they stood in front of a giant tree. They both wore wide grins, and the photo exuded joyful energy. Chan smiled softly as he placed the photo back. “We look so happy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We were. Do you still not remember anything?” Tony’s voice wobbled at the end of his question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I can’t. It feels like I should. Everything feels kind of familiar but I can’t remember anything.” Chan pivoted around, sweeping his eyes across the living room once again. “Our place is really nice though. Where’s the bedroom?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here.” Tony led Chan to their shared bedroom and turned the lights on, illuminating the bedroom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan glanced around the room in awe as if he was discovering a cave full of treasure. “We shared a room, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but I get it if you’re uncomfortable with sharing a bed. I can sleep on the couch,” Tony suggested, intertwining his hands behind his back nervously.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, no, no. Don’t worry about it. We can share a bed. It’s our house, after all.” Chan smiled at Tony, and Tony’s heart skipped a beat. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Our.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Somehow, Chan had stated the word with such clarity that the flame of hope in Tony’s heart rekindled again. Maybe there was a chance that Chan would remember the life that he and Tony built together. Maybe he just needed time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pushing down his blooming optimism, Tony smiled back and simply replied, “Okay.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Life didn’t become easier after Chan came home. If anything, the first few days after Chan came back were even more difficult for Tony because he had to be constantly reminded of the fact that Chan didn’t remember a single thing about his life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony showed Chan photo albums that were full of their favorite memories together, and since Chan was still on medical leave from work, he spent all day poring over the photos, hoping that one would spark a flood of memories to come rushing back to him. Sometimes, when Chan and Tony were lying in bed together, Chan would ask Tony to talk about one of his favorite memories of them, and Tony would vividly describe romantic dates that he and Chan went on or just everyday domestic shenanigans they both loved to do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night, the two were watching a show they had seen together (Chan didn’t remember the plot but Tony still offered to rewatch it with him anyway) when, out of the blue, Chan asked, “What was I like? Before, you know, the whole amnesia thing.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony froze, letting the question hang in the air for a moment before he took a deep breath and answered, “Well, you used to be able to solve a Rubix Cube in fifteen seconds, forty-five seconds if you did it behind your back. Your eyes used to light up every time you saw a dog walk past us on the street. You ordered coffee with two creams every time we went to that one bakery on the way to work.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You loved teasing me about putting product in my hair because you loved the way my naturally curly hair looks. When I had a bad day, you would always cheer me up by playing our favorite songs and making me dance with you. You loved dunking Oreos into milk when I wasn’t around because I always complained that I’m lactose intolerant. You used to dust that stuff on our shelf whenever you could because you hated dust so much.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears began streaming down Tony’s cheeks, and he wiped them away before he concluded, “I miss you so much, but I’m also excited to see who you’ll become.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan waited for Tony’s sniffles to die down before he replied, “Old me sounded really nice. I’m glad he could make you happy.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For the rest of the night, Chan and Tony both watched the show in silence because they didn’t need to share any words to know they were both wishing their lives could be normal again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony could tell that Chan really wanted his memories back. He caught Chan reading websites about ways people with amnesia had recovered, and sometimes, he saw Chan staring at photos hung on the walls of the apartment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan invited Angela over and Tony overheard her telling Chan about their friendship and stories about their adventures on the Space Force base. She seemed to want him back as much as Tony did, but she had a much easier time holding herself together in front of Chan. Chan called his parents and talked to them too. He asked them about his childhood, and they nostalgically shared their favorite memories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One night, Tony came home from work late. He walked into the apartment and smelled the familiar scent of stir fry, his favorite dish that Chan used to make every week. And when he walked into the dining room and saw that Chan had prepared two bowls of stir fry for dinner, Tony nearly burst into tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My parents told me that I always loved cooking so I decided to give it a try. Apparently, I still haven’t forgotten how to make stir fry,” Chan wryly grinned, gesturing to the bowls. “Give it a try. I think it tastes pretty good.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony obliged, sitting down and trying out a bite of stir fry. He teared up when he realized that it tasted just how he liked it and remarked, “It’s really good. It tastes just like the way you used to make it.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good to know I still haven’t lost my cooking skills,” Chan joked before he dug into his dinner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a few weeks of working around Chan’s memory loss, Tony had become accustomed to this new life and Chan did as well. Tony was fully prepared to accept that Chan would never remember anything from the past again until the fateful day that he came home from work and was greeted by Chan’s excited voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I remember,” Chan breathlessly claimed, looking at Tony with wide eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tony almost dropped his phone as he followed up, “Remember what?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I was looking through a photo album and suddenly I remembered everything,” Chan explained animatedly. “I remember for our first anniversary, you decorated the living room with Star Wars decorations because the first movie we ever watched together was the first Star Wars movie and we spent that night hate-watching the prequels. I remember we used to go on walks at night and I would tell you the names of the stars in the sky. You would tell me that the names of the stars are too long and complicated so you would give the stars new names, usually based on the names of your favorite celebrities.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my fucking god, you really do remember! This is amazing!” Tony exclaimed, feeling joy for the first time since Chan had lost his memories. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chan wrapped his arms around Tony and pulled him into a passionate kiss that expressed all the thank-you’s and I-love-you’s that Chan needed to say and restored the balance in both of their lives.  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>pls leave a comment or kudo on ur way out!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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